Clearing my head rambling...

Being the one to always say I'm sorry first (okay maybe not always but mostly)

Being the one to always think about how the other person feels (always; maybe not at first but none-the-less, always)

Being the one to hold my tongue so that things don't escalate (much better now)

Being the one to try and evolve, be better, learn from past mistakes (so not easy)

Is it wrong to stand my ground because it is important to me? or...should I just be the one?

Part of me thinks - yes, it is wrong of course, let it go and the other part of me thinks,
don't be so co-dependant and simply stand.

In the big scheme of things, does it really matter?

Perhaps yes; perhaps no - I don't know the answer and that is the difficult part.

My Saturday

Well, it's no secret; I'm not a gardener - I don't know much about plants or flowers but I really enjoy their beauty. So, I went to the nursery yesterday and here is what tickled my flower fancy and made its way into my yard.

Wife-hood

What the hell is Wife-hood?

I'm not sure but when I just sat down and starting typing, remembering thoughts that woke me out of a sleep at 3am last night, is just what hit the keys.

Being a wife, having a partnership, being married, having a true best friend is something that I absolutely cherish. So why is it that Rob is the one that I can be the meanest too or the shortest with, or the craziest with, the ugliest with, temperamental, irrational with, and so many "not" so pretty the "real" me (s)?

I'm not sure but what I do know is that he still loves me! He also likes the, the laugh out loud-nose snorting me, the really bad jokes, but still so flipping funny me, and cry for no reason (oh THERE is a reason) me, the my family is crazy and has made me this way me, and the ever so changing trying to improve myself me.

Wholly cow; I'm loved from the truest place of unconditional love. (right now - I am smiling with tears) :)

Over the years, almost 15, I've wasted a lot of time being insecure and doubtful of Rob. So sad. But, as time continues to do its thing, I am doing mine; learning, loving, and growing. Rob too.

The most fabulous part is that I get to spend each day with "that guy"; my guy. (smiling)

~ Me.

Kinda Sad

In this moment I feel sad. I think I know why, but I'd rather not say (but of course I'll blog) as I don't want to think that "that" is still bothering me; but, I kinda feel like it is and really wish it wasn't. I wont beat myself up over it; no - I'll just allow the feeling to linger here for a bit, acknowledge it, and then watch it float by as I know it will. The weird joy of it is that I don't need to talk about it, pick it apart, or share it verbally; I just need to allow it. Kinda like when you are meditating and thoughts float into your mind and you are trying to clear your mind; allowing them to float in and out without resistance or attention. Like that. Part of me wishes I wasn't sad but I am and that is just okay.

Mushy, Joy, Gratitude

I have no idea what it is that I want to say right now but I'm feeling a bit mushy!

Perhaps its PMS, perhaps it is the fact that my son had his very last baby tooth pulled today and has a long hair growing under his armpit, perhaps it is the overwhelming feeling of joy that I have with my family; although it is always crazy with a son who has ADHD and presents us with daily challenges (and amazing joy), a house on the market that I wish wasn't, more financial crap than I want to acknowledge, a totally dysfunctional family (in Pittsburgh) BUT it all brings me such joy.

Austin's lovely smile, laugh, and total stubbornness; he is doing so great in school and just finished track. I just love being with him. I am also so proud of him.

Anthony, my step son, who is such a gentle kind kid who is growing into this handsome young man. He called me on Mother's Day to wish me a nice day. :) He is so fun to be around, he's smart and kind and has this contagious laugh that when I hear it across the house, I smile (and giggle).

My Alec who has an amazing soul and smile; he cares so much about how others feel, even though it might not always seem like it by his behavior, but he truly does and it melts my heart.

The three dogs; Max (my grouch, who really wants to be loved, of course in his time), Zoey (the personal space invader), and our newest addition, Bella (who is such a tool; so fun to watch)...

and lastly my dear Rob. It's almost 15 years of marriage and I've been learning so many new wonderful pieces about him that just makes my heart warm. Life gets busy and you can easily get in a rut; but, you must take time to slow it down, breath, and just let life happen and enjoy the wonders that are hidden just under the surface of all the chaos.

Ask questions, listen, and enjoy what you hear.

I am blessed; I am thankful.

~ me.

Pittsburgh for Mother's Day Weekend

Me and my mom, Ann Marie


Being a mom is such a wonderful thing for me and I am sure for most of the other mothers out there; but until this year I haven't spent it with my mom in a very long time. We've had a rocky relationship our whole lives. It wasn't until recently that I decided it was time that I live in the present, not the past or even the future but seriously in the NOW. I also have been trying NOT to have any expectations of anyone; simply just enjoying them for who they are today. I'm not always good at it or successful but I am working on it, today. So with that new perspective, I felt pretty strong about going home and seeing my mom. I wanted to spend some time with my sister too as she recently has been going through a tough separation with her husband and I wanted to make sure she had some "mother's day sunshine" this weekend.


I had the nicest time visiting with my niece, two nephews, my sister, briefly with my two bothers, and my Mom on Friday and Saturday; I flew home Sunday so that I could spend the day with my boys and Rob.


Here are some fun photos of our time together; my favorites are the ones of me and Jen laughing! :)



Me and Eric, being animals for the photographer!


My sister Jen w/ her kids, Olivia and Michael


The kids giving me their CRAZY faces!


Mom, me and Jen


Me and Micheal at Pizza Hut! I think the waitress
had a crush on him! Eric said she was a stalker!



Something is funny????




and gets a little funnier...


until....pee-ing in our pants funny!

We laughed,

we cried,

and we even argued;

but, what would a visit home be without all of that?



What a great way to kick off Mother's Day.



I flew back this morning and have been loafing

with the boys. Alec and I just caught up on some ER.

I've read, took a nap and just got up.

Next its pizza from Lou's w/ the family and some nice wine; perfect.



Life just doesn't get any better than that.


I have so much to be grateful for; thank you!

Gratitude in folding towels?

Today there is so much to be thankful for: (its only 9am)
simple pleasures that are here each and everyday

rob is loving, tender and touches just right....aahhh
sun shines
kids laugh
new music
old friends
java just right
laundry going (what?)
~
who knew you could find gratitude in laundry;
folding the towels, neatly in a pile
for the boys to dry off their growing bodies and prepare them for their day
a comfort provided by me in ways they'll really never "get"
it puts a warm smile in my heart
~
finding pleasure in the daily chores that must get done
enjoying the process; being present
not easy; yet, very rewarding

this is what I hope for...patience, presence and time to ponder

when this happens ~ life is so good