Monday, December 1, 2008

Heavy Sad Spirit

Currently, I am sitting at the computer enjoying the hum of the dishwasher, Max sitting at my side, and a nice glass of Chianti. That sounds delightful (and it is); however, I just returned from dropping my mom off at the train station along with my two nephews after a nine day visit and I am emotionally drained. Not only am I reminded of all that I don't have in my relationship with my mom, but I now have guilt at feeling disappointed and guilt at my behavior. I am sitting high on my fence; smack dab in the middle of my emotional turmoil of what the little girl in me still needs and is unwilling to budge on and the desire to take my mom just as she is.

I think as myself as a person who looks for the good in people and in any given situation; you know, the glass half full (not half empty) kinda girl. Am I am that kinda girl, but with my mom, I struggle terribly. Guilt is such an awful thing.

I'll write more tomorrow when I'm not fighting a sinus infection as what I still need to write will inevitably make me sob; therefore making my head hurt alot more than it does right now.

Until then,
Col

2 comments:

KATHY said...

I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT YOU MEAN. I HAVE THAT WITH MY SISTER. AS MUCH AS I WANT SO MUCH MORE FROM OUR RELATIONSHIP, I KNOW IT WILL NEVER BE.
TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF.
KATHY

PLO said...

Don't fret. You are wonderful as you are...and having your MOM here for the holiday was a sort of acceptance of her as she is. What the hell is it with this cold or whatever we have? I already had a round of antibiotics and NOTHING. GRrrrr....