Kinda Sad

In this moment I feel sad. I think I know why, but I'd rather not say (but of course I'll blog) as I don't want to think that "that" is still bothering me; but, I kinda feel like it is and really wish it wasn't. I wont beat myself up over it; no - I'll just allow the feeling to linger here for a bit, acknowledge it, and then watch it float by as I know it will. The weird joy of it is that I don't need to talk about it, pick it apart, or share it verbally; I just need to allow it. Kinda like when you are meditating and thoughts float into your mind and you are trying to clear your mind; allowing them to float in and out without resistance or attention. Like that. Part of me wishes I wasn't sad but I am and that is just okay.

Mushy, Joy, Gratitude

I have no idea what it is that I want to say right now but I'm feeling a bit mushy!

Perhaps its PMS, perhaps it is the fact that my son had his very last baby tooth pulled today and has a long hair growing under his armpit, perhaps it is the overwhelming feeling of joy that I have with my family; although it is always crazy with a son who has ADHD and presents us with daily challenges (and amazing joy), a house on the market that I wish wasn't, more financial crap than I want to acknowledge, a totally dysfunctional family (in Pittsburgh) BUT it all brings me such joy.

Austin's lovely smile, laugh, and total stubbornness; he is doing so great in school and just finished track. I just love being with him. I am also so proud of him.

Anthony, my step son, who is such a gentle kind kid who is growing into this handsome young man. He called me on Mother's Day to wish me a nice day. :) He is so fun to be around, he's smart and kind and has this contagious laugh that when I hear it across the house, I smile (and giggle).

My Alec who has an amazing soul and smile; he cares so much about how others feel, even though it might not always seem like it by his behavior, but he truly does and it melts my heart.

The three dogs; Max (my grouch, who really wants to be loved, of course in his time), Zoey (the personal space invader), and our newest addition, Bella (who is such a tool; so fun to watch)...

and lastly my dear Rob. It's almost 15 years of marriage and I've been learning so many new wonderful pieces about him that just makes my heart warm. Life gets busy and you can easily get in a rut; but, you must take time to slow it down, breath, and just let life happen and enjoy the wonders that are hidden just under the surface of all the chaos.

Ask questions, listen, and enjoy what you hear.

I am blessed; I am thankful.

~ me.

Pittsburgh for Mother's Day Weekend

Me and my mom, Ann Marie


Being a mom is such a wonderful thing for me and I am sure for most of the other mothers out there; but until this year I haven't spent it with my mom in a very long time. We've had a rocky relationship our whole lives. It wasn't until recently that I decided it was time that I live in the present, not the past or even the future but seriously in the NOW. I also have been trying NOT to have any expectations of anyone; simply just enjoying them for who they are today. I'm not always good at it or successful but I am working on it, today. So with that new perspective, I felt pretty strong about going home and seeing my mom. I wanted to spend some time with my sister too as she recently has been going through a tough separation with her husband and I wanted to make sure she had some "mother's day sunshine" this weekend.


I had the nicest time visiting with my niece, two nephews, my sister, briefly with my two bothers, and my Mom on Friday and Saturday; I flew home Sunday so that I could spend the day with my boys and Rob.


Here are some fun photos of our time together; my favorites are the ones of me and Jen laughing! :)



Me and Eric, being animals for the photographer!


My sister Jen w/ her kids, Olivia and Michael


The kids giving me their CRAZY faces!


Mom, me and Jen


Me and Micheal at Pizza Hut! I think the waitress
had a crush on him! Eric said she was a stalker!



Something is funny????




and gets a little funnier...


until....pee-ing in our pants funny!

We laughed,

we cried,

and we even argued;

but, what would a visit home be without all of that?



What a great way to kick off Mother's Day.



I flew back this morning and have been loafing

with the boys. Alec and I just caught up on some ER.

I've read, took a nap and just got up.

Next its pizza from Lou's w/ the family and some nice wine; perfect.



Life just doesn't get any better than that.


I have so much to be grateful for; thank you!

Gratitude in folding towels?

Today there is so much to be thankful for: (its only 9am)
simple pleasures that are here each and everyday

rob is loving, tender and touches just right....aahhh
sun shines
kids laugh
new music
old friends
java just right
laundry going (what?)
~
who knew you could find gratitude in laundry;
folding the towels, neatly in a pile
for the boys to dry off their growing bodies and prepare them for their day
a comfort provided by me in ways they'll really never "get"
it puts a warm smile in my heart
~
finding pleasure in the daily chores that must get done
enjoying the process; being present
not easy; yet, very rewarding

this is what I hope for...patience, presence and time to ponder

when this happens ~ life is so good

Magnetic poetry

I was tooling around the Internet today looking for poems on dancing and I found this interesting blog about magnetic poetry. Anyway, I did the assignment on the blog and made a magnetic poem out of the words available and here is what I came up with: (I really like it)

create silhouettes that say

live ~ imagine ~ passion

my harmony and rhythm

appear

perform

I am free

~ Col

Identification not Decoration

Meet, my new pal, Keith.

You might be wondering what the heck am I doing or better yet, what the heck is Keith doing?

Well, I'm actually re-living my labor days; yes, I mean giving birth to my children - labor days. As I breathed in and out with my jaw a bit clenched along with my fist, I thought to myself, "I wonder how long this pain is going to last; how long will this take?" And, "Holy Shit, this hurts!"

Keith was so great; it only took him 15 minutes. Thank GOD. I have no idea how others can take that pain for hours and hours. At least with Labor there is the good old epidural among other fine drugs like Nubian.

What is so crazy about this whole thing is that, I really don't like tattoos; they have never been my thing. Part of me has thought that if I ever did get one, it would need to have some deep meaning and in a place that no one could see unless I wanted it to be seen.

I heard an interesting saying about tattoos on the television show, LOST. A woman said to Jack, that tattoos are a symbol of identification not decoration. That resinated with me.

After thinking about what WOULD I tattoo on my lovely body, it was pretty clear....It would be something about dancing and my spirit/soul.

So, these are Kanji Japanese symbols: the top one meaning "spirit" or "soul" and the bottom two meaning "dancer".

I have no idea if they work together as a cohesive message of "spirit dancer" or "the soul of the dancer" but that is what it means to me. This collection of symbols represents the spirit of the dancer that resides in me and the connection of my spirit to the greater spirit of the universe.

Thank you to Keith for helping me take what was in my heart and giving it a bit of breath.

Thank you to Rob for sharing a part of your soul with me and connecting ours together in another wonderful strand.

Thanks to Rose and Elvis for being true, kind, genuine friends. The world is a better place because you are in it.

Life is so lovely, you just never know where you might find little nuggets of connection; I found it in an unexpected place! ;)

Discovering my EGO

Well it has been so long since I have been on my blog.

Before, I think I was writing for the audience. Well, let me back up a bit, at first I thought that I WOULD write for me, then I got some attention from others and felt that I should write to entertain or inspire others (including myself); which I still hope that my words and thoughts will do, however, I write for my soul to have a place to live outside of the realm of my body.

So I am reading, A New Earth, by Ekhart Tolle. (I'm writing for others here) His book is Oprah's book club selection and she is doing a web class each week (if you haven't been reading it - you still can and watch each week/chapter and enjoy it). Anyway the book is amazing. It is a spiritual book; intense, thought provoking, along with life changing but you have to be ready for it; open to it. It talks a lot of the ego (our ego) and my point is that I was writing for my ego to be heard, not necessarily for my soul to have a place. So from hear on out, I write so that my thoughts and feelings have a place outside of me. Somewhere that I can come back to and reflect, perhaps share w/ my kids and Rob.

So I say to all that have given me encouragement and yourselves, please feel free to continue coming here and sharing your thoughts as I adore this place of friendship, connection, and support for all of the obvious reasons and feel honored and blessed for those relationships.

I am just searching and exploring and looking and most of all discovering!
What a lovely time in my life.

~ Col